for such a time as this

August 31, 2008 at 8:40 am (Uncategorized)
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for some reason, i can’t write in purple today.  odd.  with the rest of my world in turmoil, it just doesn’t matter.  i’m not feeling very purple, anyway.  i sit in safety in my parents’ house, awaiting a few more loved ones who waited until the last minute to leave.  yesterday my daughters and i (and our little dog, sadie) had an uneventful drive to alabama.  even though mandatory evacuation had not been called, it still took an hour and a half to make it the 3-4 miles from the outer edge of new orleans east to the twinspan.  i can not imagine what it is like today.  my sister and brother-in-law are on the road right now.  sitting in “the slow-moving parking lot that is contraflow”, according to my brother-in-law.  my husband and some friends have yet to leave.  and then there are the friends and those people who i love who have no plans to go anywhere.  wow…the world on our shoulders.  ibuprofen definitely is not killing the pain.

since our arrival on yesterday, i have been glued to a combination of websites and the weather channel.  i have 2 tabs open on my mom’s laptop at all times:  wunderground.com, where i get my updated gustav info, and the website for wwl tv, where i can watch the live feed and know what’s really going on.  i watched ray nagin last night as he gave the evacuation order.  talk about grim…

i realized as i was traveling yesterday that there is a holiday this weekend-lol.  it just amazes me that life indeed goes on for everyone else.  people are watching football (yep- it’s that time of year), getting ready to take their boats on the lake, and grilling countless ribs and chicken parts.  life is moving on.  but for those of us who live in new orleans, houma, and the surrounding areas- we watch and wait in the worst kind of torture for the inevitable to occur.  for us, life is crawling at a meager 5-13 mph pace as gustav inches forward. 

i have to say how much comeraderie the people of this area have.  i guess when everyone you know faces total loss of possessions and way of life- they all achieve some deeper appreciation of their culture and their people.  i am so proud to live in new orleans.  i intend to go back, and so do many of the people i’ve talked with.  there is an intense, almost mystical, love of this place which does not compare to anything else i’ve ever known. 

so God, please turn gustav away.  you could dissipate it completely, if you so choose.  whatever your plan is, we know that you are still in control.  still our fears and ease our hearts and minds as we watch our future unfold.  we love you, God.  i know that you hold me in the palm of your hand.  thank you for so enriching my life by placing me in this city with these people for such a time as this.

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answers? probably not…

August 29, 2008 at 10:18 pm (Uncategorized)
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for a blog about a woman’s life in post-katrina new orleans, one would think that there would be a multiplicity of posts over the last week regarding hurricane gustav.  the truth is, i have been dealing with my own ptsd reaction to the possibility of reliving that nightmare. 

wednesday morning i was awakened by the gunshots of a murder-in-progress 2 blocks from my home.  unable to sleep, i got ready for work and proceeded to check wunderground.com for the latest path of gustav.  as i sat there gazing at my laptop, tears began streaming and continued off and on for the rest of the day.  i saw my old head nurse from baptist hospital, where i worked until katrina, as i walked onto the unit.  i have to say, it brought back old pain.  those of us who worked at baptist had such a loss- many of us intended to retire there.  we loved our coworkers (well, most of them) and the way things were done.  it’s not to say that there weren’t problems.  no hospital is perfect.  but when something is snatched away from you unexpectedly, you tend to romanticize it.  so, that’s what we all did, lol.  katrina, for me, was the scattering of so many people who had become a part of my life.  they had become my surrogate family and friends after my relocation from my hometown to nola.  it was the loss of a career path.   everyone was hurting and i was powerless to help them. 

so i left one day in august to visit my parents and did not return for 6 months.  well, i did return to salvage a few things from my flooded apartment, but i lived and worked and raised my girls in alabama until we had a home in which to live.  i felt like i was living someone else’s life.  it is so ironic to me that the one place i didn’t want to be would become the only place for me.  i was so thankful to be back.  i worked through my grief and moved forward with a new life.  a life centered less around work and more around my girls and the congregation of our church.  after a brief stint at a local hospital that was less than hospitable to me, i ended up working on a unit very similar to the one i lost.  LOVE it!!!  i realized after katrina that, had i known i was about to lose everyone and everything, i would have taken a little more time.  more time looking around me to take it all in.  more time to remember the details.  more time appreciating friends and communicating to them how much they had enriched my life.  i would have looked around on the drive home to remember new orleans unspoiled.  on this wednesday, i did all of those things.   i have spent the last few days preparing my packing list to include the few sentimental things i would want to take, and just enough clothes in case we have to stay longer than we planned  (that’s code for having to leave again for months at a time- i still don’t like to think about it).  most importantly, i have looked at each face that is a part of my life so that i remember the details.  i have loved on people and told them goodbye.  i know what it is like to say goodbye to everyone in your life in a week’s time, not knowing if might be the last goodbye.  i don’t consider myself a pessimist, and yes, the cone of uncertainty is hundreds of miles wide, but it just isn’t looking stellar for us right now.  and i don’t want to have the same regrets.  it looks like i get to have a do-over.  woohoo.  tomorrow i will leave with my daughters and my lovely little dog, sadie.  we will sit in gridlock because they aren’t opening contraflow til sunday.  i will talk on the phone and referee my girls’ arguments and at the end of the day i will find myself in the home of my parents.  glued to the news.  and thinking only of those i left behind.

i truly feel blessed that we have experienced a 3 year reprieve from hurricane activity.  when we decided to move back, we did it with the understanding that if you live in a coastal fishbowl you sometimes take on a little water.  if we get a thorough rainstorm we have water to the top of the curb and a wake-zone though the street.  no biggie.  however, growing up in a state where problems are figured out and fixed, i was shocked (AND appalled) at an article published this week in the times-picayune reporting that many of the levees not breached by katrina  are still weak and may break with gustav.  what the heck??!!!!  we have been given gagillions of dollars from the federal government and 3 years of rest from GOD and we still have unfixed levees??  you have got to be kidding me!!!  anywhere else in this country someone would have made sure that the walls of the city are strong.  i mean, 3 FREAKIN’ YEARS!!!!  while i’m not the most politically astute person and i’m sure there are so many factors that i couldn’t possibly understand *tone of sarcasm*, COME ON PEOPLE… why is this still a problem?  i spent the first 2 years of my time back listening to the frustrations of others as they dealt with contractors who either took their money or did shoddy, substandard work or both.  i had fema trailers in the backyard with their sewage line running beneath my house.  i went to their family gatherings as they moved into their newly restored homes.  i was invited to be a part of their lives, and now i’m REALLY ticked off that they are possibly about to lose it all once more.  answers???  where can you find them around here?? 

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i choose the solace

August 19, 2008 at 10:15 am (Uncategorized)
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i have feared yet admired the blogging concept for quite some time, now.  why, you may ask??  thank you for your curiosity- let me tell you.  i think i fear droning on and on in some random way.   i guess there are worse things in life than being random, however, so i will focus more on my fascination than on my fear.

at the moment, i am sitting in the hospital where i am employed, but this time as the friend of someone who is here for surgery.  i have to say that it is very different being “on the other side”.  it is difficult, as a healthcare professional, to let go and give strangers control over the well-being of someone you love.   well, that’s not completely accurate.  working here does have it’s perks, as i have handpicked some of my friend’s caregivers, whom i truly believe to be the best in their field.  still, it’s odd to be the one in the waiting room.  perhaps the experience will help me to be more “patient” with the family members of my own “patients”- lol.

strangely enough, being here with her has put me in touch with past experiences, losses, and fears of the future that generally get pushed to the corners of my mind by the urgent issues of the day.  my friend and i are an odd paring, most would say, as i am a young white woman and she is, well, a more “seasoned” black woman.  82 years young, to be exact.  though we don’t always agree, she has imparted more wisdom to me than i can write in these pages.  we met 3 years ago at the church we attend, and once we regathered in new orleans after katrina we became neighbors for a time.  she spent time with my children.  she taught a sewing class to the neighborhood girls the summer following the storm, and she taught me to sew as well.  she worked with the likes of dr. martin luther king, jr during the days of segregation, experiencing hardship for the color of her skin, yet she knows no prejudice for the white people who were so hateful to her.  she does not feel anger toward white people for the sins of their forefathers, and for that, i am truly grateful.  because of her gracious nature and wise understanding, we can be friends.  we laugh, we talk, we pick at each other about pointless and silly things.  she loves my eyes, so one day i told her that i would leave them to her if i go first to the great beyond- lol. 

her health is fragile, so i admit i have been a little freaked out by this surgery.  it is a reminder to me of the greater issue, which is the fragility of life.  when we are children, some of us are blessed enough to have a family who loves us, teaches us right from wrong, and sends us into the world (as butterflies, ;)   some might say).  there comes a point of realization that a: life is not that way for much of the world; and b: my life will not always be that way either.  i think the first thing to truly upset my concept of stable life was the murder of my dad’s brother.  while i don’t intend to rehash the gruesome details, it truly shook me to the foundation of who i am.  it taught me to see life a little more clearly, without the naivete of a child.  the second earthshattering upset was hurricane katrina.  i lost all of my possessions, which grossly paled in comparison to losing my friends.  no, they didn’t die.  i was very blessed in that way.  they were scattered across the nation and worse yet, they were hurting.  it was a time in my life when i felt the assurance and peace of God.  it was a time when i felt him clearly directing me to return and be of whatever help i could be to anyone who needed me.  the third and most recent event was the miscarriage i suffered in april.  i so easily conceived and carried my other daughters that i never really believed i would lose a baby.  call it denial, if you will.  i came to understand that no child is randomly placed on this earth.  each one (even the oopsie, aka, the uh-oh)  is placed here by God with a purpose.  i am so thankful for the 2 daughters that i have.  they have allowed me to feel a love and a bond more powerful than anything- because it’s instinctive.  it has reinforced the meaning of the love that God has for me.

so, life is fragile.  my grandparents who have loved me for my whole life will leave this world in the next few years to begin a new life in heaven.  my parents are getting older and so are my girls.  i guess that means i’m getting older, too…

 i can cry about it or i can take solace in the fact that, when the crappy times of uncertainty come (and they most certainly will), God will be there.  he always has been.  so i guess i would like to revise the realization list to include c: i will be ok through it all because i choose the solace of God.

 

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emerging from the chrysalis

August 14, 2008 at 8:21 pm (Uncategorized)
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i have not often given thought to writing a blog.  quite frankly, the world is so full of people who want to give their opinion just to hear themselves.  i have never wanted to be that person, because i think the market is pretty saturated- lol.  also, i am just one voice.   who really wants to hear yet another person telling the world what she thinks?????  well, apparently my friend (let’s just call her… um… diana) wants to hear my opinion.  she made the mistake of saying the words “if you write it, i’ll read it!!”  well, ok, sister… here it is in all of it’s glory. 

who am i??  some days i’m not really sure.  some days i could tell you with complete clarity who i am and what roles i am fulfilling in my life.  for the sake of discussion, however, this is my perception of who i am at this moment: 

a wife, a mother, a nurse, a woman who left her family of origin to live in a place that was completely foreign to her.  a woman who fought against living here in new orleans yet fought to return after the storm.  a woman who struggles with finding balance between the roles of her life.  a woman who struggles against the leadership role she was intended for by her Maker.  a woman who doesn’t send her children walking alone down the streets of her neighborhood out of fear of what will find them and what they will find.  a woman who looks out on the streets and feels such compassion for the wasted lives of those who know no other way. 

 i am a Christian.  not a Bible-thumper or a hell, fire, and brimstone person, but a Christian.  one who follows Christ.  doesn’t mean i’m perfect and without sin, it just means that in spite of myself i am trusting that my God is powerful enough to take me out of my sinfulness and make me into the beautiful creature he originally intended for me to be.  after all, who needs a deity that isn’t powerful enough to save me by his grace??  what good is a deity who needs me to perform good works before he can look upon me?  that would totally negate the sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ.  instead, i am washed clean in his eyes by the blood of his son.  what wondrous love is this!!!  is this my permission slip to behave any way i choose? no… i gave my heart to him years ago, and it is because of love that i am to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow him.  i get frustrated oftentimes because the things i want to do aren’t the things i should do.  the apostle Paul felt the same way.  guess i’m in good company.  i’m looking forward to discovering how God will grow me and change me. 

so where does the butterfly come into play??  i’ve always had a fascination with them.  they are so beautiful.  they are beautiful to watch as they fly lazily about, going from flower to flower with no idea that they are beautiful.  they quietly make the world a better place, taking no credit in return.  even in their daily activities they produce more beauty, pollinating flowers as they feed on the nectar.   i want to be more like them.  in this time and place where i find myself, a little more beauty could really help things.  i want to help, in my own little way, to make this world a better place, to touch a life.  new orleans is my home… it deserves that much from me, right?? 

there you have it.  a woman living in a devastated city, a mother, a nurse, a wife, an imperfect soul who is covered by the love of God.  now i am struggling to find out who i really am, but through the perfect love of my creator i one day will emerge from this chrysalis… a butterfly.

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